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Dear Mr. Ridge,
My wife is no longer interested in sex. Could she be a terrorist?
Steven,
Spokane, WA
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What a plight you face, Steven! I cannot possibly imagine the level of embarrassment which has been placed upon you after bringing this unfortunate circumstance to light for all our allies to see.
But fear not, Steven. You have indeed done the right thing. Only through the constant surveillance of our friends, neighbors, and soul mates can we win this deadly battle.
As it happens, the change in your wife's behavior does unsettle me. It could be nothing, but who am I to take any chances with the fate of the American Homeland hanging in the balance (not to mention your own personal sexual needs)?
Therefore, I have dispatched a crack team of my own personal stormtroopers to your spouse's place of employment for immediate detention. As this very moment, she is being whisked away to Camp X-Ray in Guantánamo Bay, where she will spend the rest of her miserable days facing a futile attempt to learn from her many mistakes.
Ha, ha! Another terrorist taken down! This can only call for a delightful snack of my choosing! Will it be a cream-filled Pirouette or a Bahlsen First Class ChocoStar? Perhaps both!
Of course, this wouldn't be possible without you, Steven. I want to thank you, on behalf of the American people, for your selfless service. As a sign of my gratitude for your efforts, an undersexed nymph which meets my own high standards is being delivered to your domicile for your use.
Sincerely,
Tom Ridge
Secretary
Office of Homeland Security
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Glossary
